“to the one holding my visual imprints"

I hope you are getting moments to wipe your shiny, sometimes matte surface off of the surprise splashes of soap water and powder sprung on your visage as the mundane everyday moves past.

I am often curious as to what comes to you when you watch Mom stroll by, doing her big stretches, hear lil creaks in her legs & exercises the little limbs along – flaunting her energetic active self. I wonder what you are reminded of when you see Dad march by, flaunting his big yawns, chugging down a whole bottle of water & acrobatically swinging the sleepiness out of his body.

I dread (sometimes, I assure you) if you are left questioning & wondering when you catch me jumping out of bed & crawling to my phone. Bringing my groggy attention to buzzes & tweets, attempting to drag my visage to you to its daily dose of intense scrutiny of the disproportions.

I wonder how is it like to find yourself confronted with a self-talk riddled with a chaotic display of vulnerability, insecurity, desperation, scrutiny, acceptance & complexity of emotions. I am curious as to what it is like to be a non-consensual witness to numerous breakdowns, numbness, inner TED talks with a seamless blend of smiles, grimaces and furrowed brows?

When you choose to just be stationed where you are, reflect back dispassionately – what you see & what is offered to your visage – a thought flies in.

I wish you acted as a sieve; to morph out/smoothen up parts which you saw, that were a reason for the upside down u saw. I wish you used your discretion at least once, to hide away the parts from the visual scrutiny, which held pain, wounds, memories and many other uncomfortable feelings within the body you see.

I only wish you could just pause the recording when you view micro expressions of shame & guilt of not applying the contents of those medicine tubes for the skin seriously – to just tell me that it’s okay; that I’m doing enough; that I can always start wherever I left off in self care.

That pausing & holding where I am in my body is also self care.
That I don’t need to accept the flaws right away, that I’m still good enough with these imperfections.

I wonder – Are you the one who is truly in the moment, while being a container for me? Are you a reflective visual imprint of all the memories, wounds, feelings, experiences that I hold within this container – my body?
I wonder with anticipation…
I wonder, with a little bit of curiosity.

(content inspired by conversations & discussions around body-image, acne scars, shame & the perception of flaws mentioned in it. Please use discretion before consuming this content)

disclaimer

The views and reflections stated throughout the blog, are based on personal experiences. Please exercise discretion as to the aspects you consume and the ones you don’t.
Reading and consuming content from these blogs are not to be considered a substitute for taking therapy services.